Surviving Whole Foods (Video)

Ashton August
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I’ll start by saying that we all respect health food markets and as yogis, taking care of our bodies is no joke. Many of us understand the importance of eating organic and go out of our way to do so. Yet we’ve also all been faced with the fork in the road decision – spend way more money to eat healthy, or save money and compromise on what we eat. Enter the Whole Foods dilemma.
 
People – yogis and non-yogis alike – share a love/hate relationship with Whole Foods. We love their commitment to quality food products. Love it! But we definitely don’t love the high price tags. The struggle is real!
 
So, if you’re anything like me (the person writing this), Kelly MacLean (the woman who wrote the much-acclaimed Whole Foods spoof below), or DJ Dave (the mastermind behind the funny Whole Foods Parking Lot video), you channel your frustrations into humor. With that, I leave you to enjoy this delightfully hilarious article called “Surviving Whole Foods.” And for your organic, non-GMO verified dessert, enjoy the Whole Foods Parking Lot video. 🙂
 
 

Surviving Whole Foods

By: Kelly Maclean
Originally published on HuffingtonPost.com

 
Whole Foods is like Vegas. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the newfound knowledge that you have a vaginal disease.
 
Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods’ clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion… until they get to the parking lot. Then it’s war. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. This driver swerves around her and honks. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says ‘NAMASTE’. Poor lady didn’t even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. He crept up on her like a panther.
 
As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they’re basically the same.
 
The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha — 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for ‘I gizzed in your tea.’ Anyone who’s ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I’m talking about. I believe this thing is called “The Mother,” which makes it that much creepier.
 
Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I’m not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don’t meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you’ve really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I’m saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.
 
I move on to the next aisle and ask the nearest Whole Foods clerk for help. He’s wearing a visor inside and as if that weren’t douchey enough, it has one word on it in all caps. Yup, NAMASTE. I ask him where I can find whole wheat bread. He chuckles at me “Oh, we keep the poison in aisle 7.” Based solely on the attitudes of people sporting namaste paraphernalia today, I’d think it was Sanskrit for “go fuck yourself.”
 
Read the full article here:
 
And we will leave you with this gem:


 

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Ashton August

Ashton is a writer, yoga instructor and Editorial Director here at YogiApproved.com. If she's not bustin' out articles or producing YogiApproved videos, you can find her teaching Buti Yoga, hugging her puppies, or traveling the world with her beau. Follow her on social @ashtonaugustyoga

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